Germs

Church this week is causing me to have to rant a bit. I know Mom, your hanging your head in shame wondering where you went wrong with me in my spiritual upbringing. You did just fine taking me to church every week and on religious holidays along with sending me to 8 years of a Catholic School. You can blame this rant on Dad who is responsible for my opinionated genes.

When did church get so touchy feely? I know I have been on sabbatical for a few years (my Mom could tell you the exact number of years, days, hours, minutes...), but it has definitely changed. You get there and before the priest makes his grand entrance, they ask you to greet your neighbor. Well, that's fine, I believe in being neighborly, but can't I just make eye contact, smile and say hello. Why do the people in surrounding pews have to grab my hand and shake it like I am a long lost cousin??

The hand shaking doesn't stop there. A bit later we have to offer The Sign of Peace . The old lady, sitting in back of me, who has been coughing and gagging into her hand the entire mass, grabs my hand for a shake. OK, didn't we already establish we were on friendly terms when I said hello 20 minutes ago? Did you forget? Or are you a runaway Alzheimer's patient? And by the way I didn't see you rubbing any hand sanitizer on those paws of yours that you have been coughing into since church began.

So Mass continues and we get to the part where we say the "Our Father." Now, I know this is either new or it a Southern thing. When did church-goers start raising their hands up to the Lord like wannabe priest during this prayer? Not only that, but they feel the need to grab their neighbors hand and hold it through the prayer. No matter how close I hold my hands to myself, signally I don't want any touching, my damn hand gets grabbed! Again, Dude who has been blowing his nose into his hankie throughout mass, you've got germs and I don't want them. Not to mention the kid on the other side of me, who has been entertaining himself picking his nose and now is all excited about reaching out to touch someone. I don't want to even think about whether either of you washed your hands when you left the bathroom.

So we are nearing the end of "Germ-fest" and it is time to receive communion. I'll take that host in my hands thank you. I don't need your dirty hands that close to my tongue. And lady with the cold sore on your lip... ya you... what are you thinking taking a sip of the wine?? Unless they are wiping the side of that Chalast with a Clorox wipe, I think I will keep on walking back to my pew.

So the next time you want to test your immune system, go to church and pray you don't get sick.